“Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s Star-Lord!” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is indeed a common reaction these days thanks to the awesome, swashbuckling movie that is The Guardians of the Galaxy (or in my cousin Danny’s opinion, a reaction caused by the chiseled abs of the once fluffy Chris Pratt.) This comic is so hot that us regular folks can’t even afford this issue anymore. In fact, I applied for a loan just so I can try and buy this book, but as the Loan Officer so politely told me, “Stop being stupid, son! You can’t afford this book!” At over 650 bucks a pop, I’m going to have to do A LOT OF LAP DANCES to be able to buy this baby. Just saying.
Paul Rudd as a Super Hero? Wait. Did all the Marvel and Disney executives get into Seth Rogan’s stash? Wait. Did I get into Seth Rogan’s stash? I mean, I must have, cause the idea of a movie with Paul Rudd, two Ant-Mans, and a Yellow Jacket sounds like an instant classic to me. And folks, by the way this movie has affected the value of Scott Lang’s first appearance as Ant-Man, I’d say this sounds as appetizing to you guys as it does to me. And if you’re hungry for this book, then fellow Lang-o-lites, and yes I said Lang-o-lites, be prepared to fork over about a 100 bucks for this bad boy, cause that’s what them evil Comic Book Dealers are letting them out of their stubby little fingers for (And sorry, but I didn’t mean to discriminate against Comic Book Dealers, but COME ON!!!!) Believe me folks, but a Paul Rudd Ant-Man is way cooler than a James Franco Green Goblin! Suck on that, Franco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By now, I bet someone is reading this blog and asking themselves, “What the hell is a Rocket Raccoon and why is that Zombie trying to grope that Albino girl in the red jump suit?” Well I don’t have the answer to the second question, but the answer to the first question is pretty easy. Rocket Raccoon is that little, furry, ornery critter from the Guardians of the Galaxy movie (Yes, the same movie that gave us, “Oh my god!” Chris Pratt as Star-Lord) and right now, he’s more adored than a My Little Pony/Kim Kardashian hybrid. Guys love him. Girls love him. Raccoons love him. Heck, even my son Angel likes him and he hates everybody. So if you love Rocket Raccoon as much as you love Kim Kardashian selfies then go out and BUY THIS BOOK ALREADY!!!!! Oh and by the way, this little Raccoon’s first appearance will cost you about 600 hundred big ones. Don’t have the cash? It’s okay. I know a place where you cans sell your kidney for money. Lol. Just kidding. …Or am I? (Insert winky face here)
Okay. Brace yourself, but right now we’re about to go from the cute and furry Rocket Raccoon to the downright scary and villainous Thanos; the being that is so evil that the only thing that arouses him is death. Scary. In fact, a little known Urban Legend goes that every time a Comic Book Geek plunks down 2,000 dollars for this Bronze Age Bad Boy then exactly one week later, that Comic Book geek disappears and is never heard from again. Scary. Want to know what else is scary? Guess what I had to do to afford one of these copies? What? I can’t tell that story, cause this blog is PG?! Damn you, you dirty Apes!!!!!!! Okay. Now that I’ve calmed down, let me say this. I like cake. Enough said.
Yes! Yeah, baby! The Rocket is back! No more mister evil Thanos! In fact, the Rocket is so awesome, that even that big green guy they call the Hulk has no problem holding up that poster of Rocket Raccoon on the cover of his own book. Hulk smash Rocket? No! Hulk love Rocket! Heck we all do. Why do you think us geeky fan boys plop down 250 dollars easy just to own this book? Any how, we all want this book so bad that I can only channel these immortal lyrics from the great and beautiful Debbie Harry in order to properly express how we feel about the 2nd appearance of Rocket Raccoon. Ready? Here we go. “One way or another, I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha. One way, or another, I’m gonna win ya. I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha. I love you, Blondie!!!!!!! Remove the restraining order!!!!
What? Howard the Duck in a Top 10 Hot List? Are you kidding me? Damn you, Franco! Now whether you’re part of the Howard the Duck fan club or the “We hate” Howard the Duck club, there is no denying that the little cameo by the Duck at the end of the Guardians of the Galaxy movie has done the impossible and made Howard the Duck relevant again. In fact, the Duck is so hot that his first appearance in Adventure into Fear #19 can’t be had for anything less than 200 bucks. Yeah, you heard me. 200 bucks! Wow. I guess there’s nothing left for me to type about this mind boggling mystery except to ask the age old question, “Who would you date, who would you marry, and who would you kill between Donald Duck, Howard the Duck, and Daffy Duck?” Go ahead. There are no right answers here. We all look bad with this one. And yes, I’m looking at you, Danny!
“Who’s the black private dick, that’s a sex machine to all the chicks? (Shaft!) You’re damn right.” Hold up! Wait. That’s not Shaft? Who’s that then? Ohhhhh… that’s Luke Cage. I see. Honest mistake. And why is his first issue making a Top 10 list some forty years later after it hit the newsstands? Well maybe that has to do with him having his own little series on Netflix? That’s right! November 7th, baby! Luke Cage makes his triumphant return to show all you squares why, “he’s the baddest man in a silk yellow shirt, putting all them jive turkeys in the dirt. Luke! Cage! You’re damn right.” Oh and by the way, rumor is that Mr. Cage will be part of that Defenders TV show on Netflix as well. That’s right! Big Poppa Cage is gonna have two TV shows on Netflix! So in the words of the legendary WWE Hall of Famer Booker T, “Can you dig it, sucka!?”
Hey! This book is even older than the last book! And it’s not even a Marvel book! What the heck is going on here?!?!?! Oh… I see. This issue of Hawkman just happens to be the first appearance of Zatanna and as you all know, that chick is not only hot in looks, but is super, super hot in terms of comic book collectivity. She’s so hot that comic geeks who weren’t even born yet are spending their hard earned money to nail this Zatanna issue (You know, there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.) Yes, for about 1,000 dollars American, you can take Zatanna home. Wait. That sounds wrong too. Anyway, if I were you fan boys, I’d toss away them useless Playboys and pick up this issue of Hawkman instead. Zatanna or Pamela Anderson? My money’s on Zatanna. O’Doyle rules!
Is it just me or does anyone else think that this book right here is soon gonna rival Batman Adventures #12 in popularity? Can Livewire really compare to our beloved psycho princess, Harley Quinn? Blasphemy! Or is it? One, they both have those sadistic smiles and two, crazy chicks are pretty hot, right? Come on. Don’t deny it. Crazy chicks were hot in high school and they’re still hot now, restraining orders be damned. Honestly, the 80 bucks that dealers are asking for in order to own the first appearance of this crazy chick right here is a bargain compared to the first appearance of straight laced, goodie girls like Wonder Woman and Super-girl. Face it, Fan Boys. Livewire is hot, crazy, and easy on the wallets so scoop her up before your best friend does — and if he does, call me. I got a baseball bat and I once rode the bus through South Central so I ain’t afraid of that foo! Thug life!
I bet you didn’t see this one coming, but man, in the last few days, Fan Boys have been scooping up this sleeper issue faster than Fat Boys scoop up Ice Cream into their chubby little cheeks. This issue here is the first appearance of the Hulk-buster Armor, the armor tough enough to go toe to toe with the big old green guy himself, the Hulk. A few weeks ago, this book sat in long boxes, unwanted by the masses, but then with the announcement of Tony Stark using his Hulk-Buster armor in the new Avengers movie, this long neglected issue suddenly became as popular as a Cosplay girl at a Comic Con. Ah, Cosplay girls. I love you. Any how, pick this book up and pick me up a copy while you’re at it too. I’m good for it. You accept EBT? Oh… and can you dig that, sucka??!!!!!
And here are some honorable mentions:
Avengers #181, 1st Scott Lang New Mutants #100, 1st X-Force
A-Next #7, 1st Hope Pym Fantastic Four #52, 1st Black Panther
Strange Tales #180, 1st Gamora Incredible Hulk Annual #5, 2nd Groot
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